the veil

I had a vision/out-of-body-experience as a teen. (Nope, i wasn't into drugs. too afraid of them.) I floated out of my window and traveled to the main road close to a quarter of a mile away. As I hovered above the road, I saw the light over the horizon, breaking the dark, and a voice resonated in my head.

"This is your life," it said and then formations erupted in the road, disrupting the smooth asphalt with their uneven and jagged shapes. "These are the obstacles you must overcome," the voice continued.

The next thing I knew I was back in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I had not fallen asleep. I felt a strange euphoria for during the experience I had felt a sense of timelessness, yet only seconds had passed.

I rushed to my parents' bedroom and told them of my experience. I saw their look of fear change to suspicion. Needless to say, I kept the rest of my extraordinary experiences to myself.

It's too bad I held myself back because of fear of rejection. I felt then that being invisible was the only way to survive. It seems silly now, a moot point, because it was impossible to hide. Everything that made me different was as clear as the reflection others saw in my eyes.

I inspired fear in others because I was afraid to be me.

Though I learned this fear from my parents as a child, the fog eventually lifted and I became accountable for my part in the denial. I allowed myself a measure of emotion without judgment and started on the road to self-acceptance. At first, I relied on the truths of others to guide me, but then I found I had to un-learn almost everything in order to discover my personal wisdom, mySelf.

I do not know the full depths of that wisdom, but every moment I am willing to be me I caress that wisdom a little more. This is the root of my self-confidence. It has helped me embrace life in a new way that isn't solely based on desperation or fear.

It has helped me see that I am the veil. I choose whether to be transparent, revealing the beauty within, or opaque, tending to the beauty within. Because I am my own witness, I am proud of this revelation, but humbled by its minute meaning in the vast expanse that is me.
Comme