in the shadow of life

photo title borrowed from the song by niyaz

between
i tried
to be the bridge
and span the two worlds
i reached far
but it was not far enough

instead
my bones lengthened
until broken
my skin stretched
until transparent
my spirit expanded
until lost into the stars

and now i am
in the shadow of life
in the shadow of death
between

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I have reached uber hermit status. I cannot manage conversation and when I go out I like being silent, still in the crowd. I smile at people, make love to them, from a distance. I watch. I burn.

The emotional: How did I get here? or how did I become unveiled? I feel it was the pain, the suffering, and today I feel more connected to my pain then ever.

The physical: So far it's been labelled gastroparesis -- paralysis of the nerve controlling the stomach -- explaining the severe reflux and abdominal pain. The pain is constant. It hurts to eat and when I take the drug to help me eat (metoclopramide) at the recommended dose, I feel suicidal -- depression, insomnia and anxiety are side effects. As if I needed help in that department.

The conclusion: My will, though considerably thinned, is still strong. I will continue. I will exist. Somehow, some way.